The bearable fullness of it all…

Over the past few years, whenever anyone asks for a book recommendation, I almost always tell them to read The Unbearable Lightness of Being for Kundera. That haunting moment when he loses everything that had previously made his life stressful, and feels ‘light’… that lightness becomes a heaviness in itself.

While typing this, my crawling 8-month-old is exploring the bed and pulling on my hair. I scream for my husband, who ‘s 50 cm away, to do something. And he does (Ouch hair pulling hurts!).

I’ve taken a break from working on my doctorate to type this. Because the fullness of it all… is so unbearable at times when I stress out over everything (Sleeping schedule? Do I give him cereal? Am I reading enough? When will we tango again? Am I ready for tomorrow’s class?) – All these questions while ‘the ants go marching’ plays in the background. Thank you, husband! Lifesaver!

It’s these moments… where we’re all together in this tiny space (despite the large apartment mind you…) that the fullness of it all gets to me. And I need to stop and express this feeling. Because I wouldn’t have it any other way.

p.s. the cat doesn’t share my sentiments and prefers the solitude of the living room.

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My lips

I always hated my lips. It’s not that I don’t have an upper lip… oh it’s there (in its own teeny tiny form)! It just chooses to withdraw into nothingness whenever I think, talk, smile, and laugh. So pretty much… all the time!

When I was younger, this bugged me to the point that I thought about getting it done. I would enlarge it with lipliner, think about getting a tattoo or other minor surgery.

Now… I see that same lip on my son’s face. And I couldn’t love it any more. I see how lovely it is when he’s relaxed and asleep … and again how it completely disappears with his facial expressions.

When I see my own smile on my son, it’s not a limitation at all. It’s the sweetest, most human, part of him. It’s mini me.

And this is when I learn to accept it.

I hope he does too ❤️.

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The ‘working mum’!

And that’s it… my first semester back to work is almost over. And I’m drained. Physically, emotionally, intellectually… drained.

My first semester back has meant working full throttle on 5 hours of sleep – mostly interrupted sleep as well (teething baby…anyone?). Our work does not end when we leave the office. We’re either prepping for class or grading afterwards. Now add to that trips to Dubai with extra make-up sessions… and welcome aboard the crazy train!

My first semester back meant barely having a minute to myself. I’m either running between classes (back to back so I can rush home), waking up early to grade and prepare, praying for a few hours in the evening to work on my doctoral deadline, and not to mention stealing 20 minutes here and there to pump to maintain milk supply.

I’m drained. But I learned so much about myself as well. I learned that what I used to call ‘multi-tasking’ barely scratched the surface. I learned that I didn’t need to take more than 3 minutes to shower (better for the environment too 😛) and I learned to ask for help.

Was it perfect? Hell No. I zombied through a lot of my classes, losing my words in the middle of sentences.

I lived with the guilt of leaving the baby for hours at a time… when all I wanted was to head home. I learned that even though I’d be drained on my way back, I’d find the energy to take him out for a walk. There’s just that extra storage I can count on… before collapsing at 8pm.

When people tell mothers like me to slow down, it just becomes more frustrating. Slow down and sacrifice what exactly? A baby I adore? A family life with a husband I can’t wait to spend time with? A fulfilling career? An intellectually-challenging doctorate? What can I possibly sacrifice?

— instead, I struggle on, with one phrase in mind: it will pass. And it has!

The semester’s over… and now the summer load will be more manageable. Maybe I’ll have some time for a manicure? (Please?)… and maybe I’ll be able to give my mum a break. She’s had to juggle a night shift at the hospital to take care of a baby during the day. So we could struggle together.

But it has passed.

The rest will be challenging in its own way, but it will pass too. I am grateful for the calm moments, when Luki grabs hold of me and hugs me tightly as he falls asleep. I’m grateful for some lazy mornings where Ziad and I managed to watch John Oliver. I’m grateful for getting to spend more time with my mum after years of being apart while living together. There’s nothing like raising a baby together to renew that mother-daughter bond.

Tomorrow’s another day… and I’m grateful for the chance to write again. The chance to breathe.

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Having a cat and a baby

The comments will start even before you think of getting pregnant.

Yeeee… you won’t be keeping the cat, right? You can get Toxo!’

And then, once you do get pregnant, almost everyone you know will ask the inevitable:

When will you get rid of ‘it’?

‘It’ is a ‘he’, and he has given me tons of precious moments from the second he was adopted off the streets of Beirut in August 2015. Dexter is gorgeous, independent, and caring. When I learned the news of my grandpa’s death, he wouldn’t leave my side. And when I got pregnant, his life would change just as quickly as my hormones!

He wasn’t going anywhere! But a few changes had to be made when it came to the major concerns:

  1. Toxo: simply, don’t change the cat litter. My husband does this at home. And even if you have to change the litter, make sure to wear gloves, don’t wait too long (Toxo creeps up after 5 days!), and wash your hands afterwards. Et voilà! Cat stays at home!
  2. Jealousy: yes, your cat might get jealous. Who wouldn’t? He’s had all your love and attention and now needs to take second place! But this is comparable to having an older child. You aren’t told to let your older child go! Instead, you plan ahead. Same with your cat! There is tons of info online on how to prepare a cat. This article is a good one but I read at least ten while I was in the first trimester.
  3. Interaction: the cat and the baby will interact. If you’re worried, make sure they aren’t alone for long. In my case, our cat doesn’t jump on a high place if there isn’t a ledge to hang on to. So Dexter does not get into the baby’s crib. That’s a safe place. When the baby’s asleep in there, I can leave the nursery open and the cat goes in and sits under the crib. Everyone is happy! And whenever the cat does come close, pet him! Show him that It’s ok. And don’t be pushy. My baby’s almost 3 months old and the cat has barely touched him (smelled his head: once. Touched his hand: twice. Played with his feet: three times). Otherwise, he watches him the way cats watch anything they find fascinating.
  4. People’s feedback: this is the worst part. Getting people to understand that you know what you’re doing, and ignoring comments when it gets too much. But hang in there and arm yourself with knowledge.

And what’s the point of all this? Why go through all this trouble? —

That question shouldn’t even be a question! A pet is part of your family! It’s never an option! You take care of family!

And bonus points: your little one will have a furry friend that actually moves. Take that, Mr. Teddy Bear. I can’t wait for my baby to be a toddler and reach for his feline friend. And hopefully I’ll be able to prep baby then for how to interact with a cat gently and lovingly (will be reading a lot about that when the time comes).

Dexter and Luki when they first touched hands.

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One month of motherhood

The baby’s sleeping now… shhhhhh!

Well actually we’re lucky on this front. He can sleep through almost anything! Except hunger. That will never keep him down.

I gave birth at 9:30am on Monday, October 2, and I’m writing this at around the same time one month later, but the circumstances are completely different. I went from lying down with almost no control over the situation, in a cold and sterile operating room, to being in my own home, warm and happy, with my baby and my cat sleeping contentedly, within arm’s reach. Lucas Tannous was born while his mum was trying not to freak out by listening to some Whitney Houston on his dad’s boom box. The song he screamed his way onto was the phenomenal – One Moment in Time. Do enjoy it for Luki’s sake. It was such an appropriate song!!

This journey has not been easy though! For those who like numbers, according to my Baby+ app, this is what the last 31 days have been like:

  • 247 breastfeeding sessions
  • 233 diaper changes
  • 13.56 hours of sleep per day (for the baby/4-5 hours of sleep for his mummy and daddy :P)

And of course…

  • Tons of meghle as people come and admire little Lucas (I did not document these on the baby app – I have limits).

I went from someone who was afraid to touch a newborn to a ‘pro’ who can change a diaper while avoiding the catastrophe of new pee hitting me in the face – changing at the speed of light (still can get faster) so he doesn’t beat me to it!!

I went from someone who was crying over her baby while he was breastfeeding, swearing that the pain just wasn’t worth it! I know it’s ‘liquid gold’ but this just hurts way too much!!! This was the most challenging part honestly. The fact that what should come so instinctively to mothers was just so painful, so difficult. It just sucked! (Pun intended.) And my support system – my husband and my mum – had to endure all the anger and frustration as I fought my way through. Now I’m at a point where I can enjoy the closeness, the smile that Luki gives me right as he’s getting full, and I can laugh at the way he just violently lets mummy go the minute he’s had his fill.

I am still learning… it’s way too soon to have anything under control, but I’m the one standing this time – no lying down on a metallic slab in an OR. I’m standing and taking care of business…slowly but surely. And I know it’s cliche, but the minute you’re up at night, at 3am, with a baby guzzling his milk away, you understand the closeness that makes it all worth the pain.

Before I went into the OR, I read an article about a message from a newborn baby, asking the parents for just some patience during the first 6 weeks, where everything is just so new and difficult. And now I understand. At the peak of the exhaustion and pain, I would remember that article… and I would think… patience. (Then I’d go and pet the cat – Dexter’s purring can always give me instant relief).

During this first month, I’m grateful for my mum who didn’t leave my side, and my husband who has more maternal instinct in his little finger than I could ever have. I compensate by doing tons of research – and by using apps.

I am also grateful for our beautiful boy, who is just a sweetheart and really made our transition into parenthood so much smoother!

And the ultimate prize: Here are some ‘face a day’ photos taken over the past month.


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35 … today! 

Half a decade into the 30s. Quite a milestone! 

5 years ago, I posted a cute ’30 sucks’ image with lollipops, and I couldn’t have predicted a sweeter decade. 

These past few years have been quite eventful… to say the least! 

I began TEDxLAU five years ago in 2012, when I was 30. And it’s just been one immense journey of self-discovery. 

I got married to my crazy man when I was 33… yep same age as Jesus and proud of it! 

I finally took the step that had been delayed a decade… I started my doctorate at 34, and probably won’t complete it before I’m 40… but that’s another milestone. 

This year, in 2017, I celebrate 10 years of teaching at LAU! The papers I’ve graded! Akh… but the people I’ve met continue to impact my life. 

…and finally… this year, I’m expecting our baby at the age of 35! Something we thought might actually not be in the cards for us… but this decade proved otherwise. 

Not bad for a late bloomer! Many of my own students are checking a lot of these items off their list at an earlier age, as they complete milestone after milestone, but if my example could be of any help, it would be to simply say… there’s time. There’s always time. Even if your path takes you elsewhere at first, even if you stumble, even if you retrace a few steps at times, there’s time. Your goals will be different, and your priorities will change. 

My 30s have been my favorite decade so far… and I’m grateful for every minute! 

Thank you all for being there by my side. 

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12 Ideas for 2017

Happy New Year! Or Feliz año nuevo since we had the fortune to meet the new year on a rooftop in Havana – without Internet so I couldn’t blog about it. The best I could do was to actually enjoy it, in the moment, and that was pure bliss!

Over the past few weeks, though, I had been contemplating the 12 ideas I’d like to focus on in 2017. This was mostly for a prescheduled interview on Mariam TV, and my segment would highlight ideas from TED and TEDx talks – 12 ideas for the 12 months of the year.

Without further ado, here are my personal 12. These are the talks that personally affected me and the ones I need to work on. These are my pseudo resolutions for the year… hope they resonate with you!

Any favorites?

And here are the full messages and links. Enjoy!
01. Keep your goals a secret (I guess blogging about this list doesn’t count.)


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Never been to a TEDx event? 

Not sure what all the fuss is about?Or whether you should go?

Well, here are the top 5 things you’ll experience at TEDxLAU this year: 

  1. 14 different talks and performances from completely diverse fields. What’s in common? A passion for ideas and sharing knowledge that will definitely resonate with you. 
  2. Our social space with activities for introverts and extroverts alike as you bargain your way through. 
  3. A networking opportunity like no other as you discuss and debate ideas. 
  4. Creative surprises: Did you hear of our blood drive that sprung up out of nowhere? Or our wall of color? We did those in 2013 and 2014. 
  5. and this year? The agora!!! Be prepared to relive the birthplace of ideas! We promise to make your experience historically accurate as you go back 7000 years! 

Considering it? Pick up your ticket from the nearest Antoine store or Antoine Online. 

Join our event on Facebook for more updates. 

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Maybe It’s time to wake up: نوم الغزلان

If you’re expecting a cathartic release, think again. Through this ingenious production, Lina Abyad and her team hold the audience captive as they listen to story after story of Syrian asylum seekers. And when you’re about to scream out: ‘No more! I can’t take any more…’, you find yourself facing a metaphorical fence as you live the tales of survival.
And it isn’t survival of the fittest. Not really. Those who survive the harrowing conditions only live to tell tales of despair and dashed dreams. Where body and soul combine to kill any hope in humanity.

From the modern ‘businessman’ building his empire over the bodies of the dead, to the matchmaker trading in child brides, to the mother of two who became the carrier of one… Down to the man who swam his way… But to what? What does he really find?

Losing humanity one raindrop (and teardrop) at a time. In search of lost dreams. Where the body crumbles and the dreams are dashed.

This is ultimately a story of loss.

A lost revolution and a lost generation. Crying for the country they left behind.

And as for us in our seats? It’s a performance worth embracing. Because even if we’re not always involved, we need to get as close to the sidelines as possible.

Performances ongoing until April 10 at LAU Beirut. More details via the event page

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Why weddings are still worth the ‘weight’…

I’m about to be 33. My husband-to-be is 36. We could follow the lead that many of our friends have set for us and have a small destination wedding. Nothing at all wrong with that! You have fun, travel to a cool place, and a small group of people who love you (and can afford it) will tag along and make sure your day is worth it. I actually wanted to do that! Hello Sardinia! But, against my better judgment at first, I agreed to have the full-on Lebanese wedding experience this June, while inviting our nearest and dearest.

This has meant months of preparation, anguish, conflicts, and torture at times while we tried to maintain our own vision and creativity (and craziness). But now, during the most hectic preparation stages, I find myself finally at peace with this decision.

We are celebrators, Ziad and I. We celebrate everything, from the Nutella we just massacred to the crazy TEDx event we worked on.

So why not celebrate this beautiful day? I know it’s just a day in a lifetime of memories, so why not celebrate it fully?

We have the capacity to fall in love every single day. We’re together joyfully (minus the tons of arguments and squabbles which we also enjoy – let’s be honest!), and we can be happy without everyone around us, but while inviting our family and friends and seeing their excitement, the realisation that this is what I’ve always wanted is now concrete. The wedding is a bonding experience, not only for the bride and groom, but for all their friends and family, who gush over the simplest details or sometimes anxiously worry about the next steps ahead.

I have never been the girl to dream of her ‘big day’. I never visualised what my dress would be like. I never rehearsed my vows in some super secret dark room, but as the count-down is bearing down upon us, I can’t wait to just dance! To laugh and smile and share in the pure pleasure of having people around you, who love you fully. People who share your joy as if it’s theirs (minus the complaints about the salmon, the grass – oh why does it have to be green!, ad infinitum, ad nauseum….).

Work and a lifetime of possibilities have kept me away from family and friends at various times over the last few years, and the fact that they will all be there (either in body or spirit) IS the actual wedding. And I, for one, cannot wait.

p.s. There will be no zaffe. We drew the line on that.

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